2012 Detox Day I Swear I’m Starting Tomorrow

This post is only 3 days late. I’m just going to come out and say it, despite the fact that I promised the rest of my detoxers I’d start Sunday, I still have not started. I had every intention of it. Except that Saturday after the commitment ceremony at Beaches, things went a completely different direction. A direction that involved a trip to The Quay on a Saturday night. That naturally resulted in stuffing my face with things like 30 cheese fondue and bread and martinis and wine.

MONDAY IS THE DAY!

Well except that I was woefully unprepared and hadn’t made a trip to the grocery store, and I needed that triple venti skinny vanilla latte with a side of muscle relaxers and vicodin. Zen tea and Advil was no match for my mood Monday morning. Also, nachos and wine is a perfectly acceptable dinner. SHUT UP! It is! So yeah starting Tuesday was the game plan.

TUESDAY, LET’S DO THIS!

Off to a descent start! Starbucks can suck it! I started the day with a Zen green tea. It did not result in feeling very fucking zen. The three Peppermint Patty minis on the other had have made it possible to not yell “fuck you” to each person that has tried to say good morning to me. And I ate a banana, so that fucking counts.

In other words I’m starting tomorrow. No flour, sugar or processed foods. And if something has more than three ingredients and I cannot pronounce  the superfluous ingredient, it’s off-limits.

What about you all? How have you done on your attempts at detox and resolutions?

2012
01/10
CATEGORY
Rambling
Skinny Bitch
4 comments

Clearing the Cobwebs

Goddamn this blog is dusty. Cobwebs fucking everywhere *waves broom around maniacally*.

So obviously I haven’t been traveling or I would’ve been here bitching about my fellow travelers, whatever injustice the airlines had irritated me with, and probably a falling down recap. But no, not traveling for a while. The next journey on my calendar is an overnight trip to Seattle June 1, with my boss and office mate. Last time we three made this trip we got lost walking back to our hotel from dinner. In an area you do not want to be lost in. We rule at travel.

I have back to back trips in Vegas and Salt Lake City coming up in July. The culture shock will be awesome. Especially since yours truly has never been to Vegas. And there’s a trip to Dallas in August. Hopefully there will be plenty of blog fodder from those trips.

Let’s see what has happened since I was here last.

  • I played a successful practical joke on a coworker. One that involved his cherished mug, it’s own blog, a massage chair and happy hour. Oh and our CEO and a VP. I am now a sitting duck waiting for retribution. I should have thought that through more carefully.
  • Planned a dinner at Main Event for a work celebration. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I should not be allowed in a room with our CFO and corporate attorney let alone sitting across from one of them at dinner. We all survived. And the rock stars at Main Event killed it, Kelly’s service was flawless and they managed to win over some new customers. Someone actually said that she never would have walked into the place based on the outside. Whatever, more Truffle Fries for me bitches.
  • I planned a celebration at the office that was postponed after I blew up 64 balloons for a balloon arch. It was for good reason, and it turns out that a dress rehearsal was a good thing. Also, I may have inadvertently got a few coworkers drunk on champagne when the actual event did go down two days later. Or maybe it was on purpose, that seems more like something I’d do. Also, those people? MUCH more pleasant to be around when they are buzzed. I’m just sayin’. I may start slipping vodka into the coffee pots upstairs. It is for the good of everyone.
  • I am now planning an even bigger headache event for June. A cocktail party (duh), 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners for 30 people. Along with our version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Minute to Win it. There will also be some educational content mixed in, but really who are we kidding, I’m all about the parties and gift bags! I love this shit.
  • Don’t even ask about running. Because there hasn’t been any. I did great through my Austin trip and then BAM! Fucking rain. All. The. Time. I have no issue with admitting I am a pussy when it comes to running in the rain. So until it’s consistently dryish…fuck that noise.
  • Happy Hour Hot Topics is still going down every Monday night. We need some fresh perspectives though, so if you’re interested in telling other people what to do with their love lives, let me know!

I think that catches us up.

2011
05/17
CATEGORY
Rambling
The Job
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Austin Day Three

First thing I did this morning when I got downstairs was look up those other two work style types I couldn’t remember. I knew the one I scored highest in started with e-x. Excitable? Yes, but not it. Expendable? Yes again, but still not the right word. Drove me nuts all night.

Can you stand the suspense…

EXPRESSIVE. Yes, that is the work style I scored highest in but could not remember. Amiable was the other. WHATEVER! I don’t have an ulcer. At least we can all get some sleep tonight.

Day two’s agenda was even better than day one, and not just because there were no big words for me to forget. Day two is Operational Excellence and Guest Service Day. I’ve got home court advantage for these sections. The Guest video makes me laugh. The group was feisty today, like locked up monkeys or something. It’s bizarre how managers go a little crazy when their kept in a chair for 2 days. What’s crazier is some of the sound bites that came out of the last 2 days:

Addressing a manager:“You hit the nail on the key” – My Boss
Commenting on the amount of water I consumed today:“You’re going to be over saturated” – Sledgehammer
In response: “I’m not a lawn!” – Yours Truly
Retort: “You won’t drain properly!”  – Sledgehammer
OK maybe we were all a little stir crazy. Also Sledge has never seen my giant green hydration tank I drag around like a tattered security blanket so how was he to know that the water he saw me consume was only a drop in the bucket. Heh heh, see what I did there? OK I’ll stop.

We had dinner at Brickhouse Tavern & Tap. I am sad and offended that this wonderful concept has not made it further west than Texas. I’m starting a petition. We need more cask-aged beer! Mmmmmmmm smooth and velvety.

Oh and this happened:

That fashion tragedy is brought to you by my refusal to check a bag – only brought two pair of shoes – and walking 300 million blocks and giving myself blisters last night. I totally represented the PNW in this outfit. However, despite being hobbled by a blister the size of a silver dollar, I still did my blasted C25K workout. I’m hardcore (no not at all).

Let the record show it is 9:15ish here, and I am in my room. Where I shall stay because we leave for the airport at 5:45 tomorrow. The sun has been beautiful, but I’m ready to head home.

2011
04/07
CATEGORY
C25K
The Job
Travels
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Austin Day Two

Short version: I’m in my room with blisters on both feet and it’s only 10:30 pm. I might be doing this wrong.

Rambley version: Day one of class was great. I love the agenda for day one. It might be my favorite class agenda so far! Great group of managers. All but one work with the same owner, and they are all humorous with a touch of sarcasm. Crazy that I liked them immediately right? Day one of class contains a work style assessment. Possible styles are Doers, Analytics, and two others I can’t remember the titles for at the moment and my notes are downstairs. Guess which two I scored highest in? Right! The two I cannot name. More importantly guess which one I scored the lowest in by a wide margin. If you guessed analytic you win.

The leadership part of the agenda was great as well, especially the part where my co-worker and I won the game by DOUBLE the other teams’ points. No, we didn’t cheat, we just took awesome notes and have wicked fast reflexes. I’d be glad to recreate our victory with puppets if anyone is interested. No? OK let me know if you change your mind.

My boss wasn’t feeling well today so she headed back to her room after class and gave me and my partner in The Epic Win the key to the rental car. Naturally, we headed to 6th Street and walked 3 million blocks or long enough for me to blister the bottom of both of my feet. Pro tip: Don’t get so excited about sun that you forget your feet haven’t been sockless for 8 months. Sandals – no matter how cute – are not meant for walking around a metropolitan area. The More You Know!

We wandered into some sort of weird, random trinket store and I bought a bracelet made of beads that look like skulls. It is my most prized possession! I had a voodoo doll in my hand as well but put it back since I had trouble narrowing down who would be the recipient of my voodoo. Probably best for everyone. We also visited Waterloo Records and it was awesome. I’m now kicking myself for not purchasing the kitchen tongs that are shaped like a microphone. I could do some mad karaoke practice with those and WMFS could use them for tonging things. Dual purpose kitchen utensils are the bomb!

We finally decided on diner at The Jackalope. It was voted “best dive bar” in Austin. It spoke to us, what? There is a giant jackalope with a saddle in the entry! How do you pass that up?! The food was delicious. And the Single-wide IPA was excellent. If you like IPA it’s a must try. By the Bottle carries it and I believe Fred Meyer does too. The sad sad truth is that I only had one.

So to recap: Skulls. Won the leadership game. Blisters. Jackalope. Single-wide IPA.

Tomorrow I think we’re going to sit on a hill and watch bats. I really do think I’m doing this wrong.

2011
04/06
CATEGORY
Food Porn
Liquid Porn
The Job
Travels
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Austin Day One

It is that time of year again! Spring brings rain, rain, more rain and my travel season!  Strap in folks! This is just the beginning.

The trip started with my alarm going off at 5:30 am. I think the next time I have to get up at 5:30 am I’m going to make some “accidental” pocket dials. That way you all get the full experience as it’s happening rather than these marginally entertaining recaps.

The PDX-OAK leg of this trip was uneventful; I began to wonder if I would have anything to share with you all. And then we landed in Las Vegas. I was the only passenger to stay on the plane and Oh. My. Hell.  did it get interesting at that point. First passenger on the plane had two purse dogs sans the purse. Remember I’m the ONLY person on the plane. Every seat but the one my ass was in was available. And yet, she asked if she could sit in my row. Why would she do that? I surprised even myself when I said I’d prefer if she didn’t and for the briefest of moments I felt like a total a-hole. Then I remembered I wasn’t the crazy that brought two lap dogs on a plane. She took it well and sat across the aisle. And to be fair the dogs never made a sound or even moved that I know of. But still!

For those in the audience that aren’t privy to my vacation history, I’ve never been to Vegas so I have never left Vegas to understand the state that one would be in. Um wow, just…I don’t…I don’t even know what to say about it. Is there some sort of city ordinance that states you cannot shower before you leave the city? Do they require you to leave smelling like you just got off a refugee boat? Do they confiscate your toothbrush? Is deodorant contraband? Help me understand this! Needless to say the LAS-AUS leg of the trip was the longest of my short life (hush). But when I landed all was forgotten because hello sunshine! Glorious, glorious sunshine. I won’t be horrible and tell you the temperatures that are expected this week. Go ahead and click the link if you’d like to torture yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I met my coworker at baggage claim and my boss picked us up curbside. We dropped our bags at the hotel and found food quickly. Here’s what I recommend you don’t do; Don’t decide 3 days before your trip to start the C25K program. And then certainly don’t stuff your face full of shrimp enchiladas knowing damn well you have to go do some interval running nonsense. Just sayin’.

2011
04/05
CATEGORY
C25K
The Job
Travels
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Couch to 5K: Day 1

Shiny new shoes. Goal is for them to not look shiny new someday.

I have foolishly decided to embark on the Couch to 5K running program again. Partly because I have shit for brains and partly because my gym membership expired and with as much as I’ll be traveling this summer, I really won’t benefit from renewing. C25K Day 1 looked easy. Run for 60 seconds, walk for 90 seconds. Repeat for 20 minutes. Let’s do this! I laced up and walked the half mile to the middle school down the street. The school that is at the bottom of the hill.

Walking to the track: Alternate walking and running for 20 minutes; 8 intervals? Cake! I doubt I’ll break a sweat.

Interval 1: First 60 seconds down, that wasn’t too bad.

Interval 2: Whooo! Look at me go, this 20 minutes is going to fly by! Hey Tom Sawyer, I love this song…oh but it’s been tainted since that company love-in thing where we had to pick our theme song. Stupid!

Interval 3: 90 seconds already? I wonder if I set the stopwatch correctly this last time? I bet this thing isn’t even working. Why the hell won’t my ear buds stay in? This is annoying.

Interval 4: What the hell lungs? We quit smoking 2 years ago!* There is no way we’re going to make it another 10 minutes.

Interval 4: Oh! Xtina! I’ll never sound like her if I quit now. Must. Continue.

Interval 5: They’re going to find me dead on this track because I’m going to die of choking on my own lung.

Interval 6: Why the fuck is the Inspector Gadget theme song on my iPod?!

Interval 7: Running is bullshit. This C25K idea is bullshit. Fuck you stop watch it has not been 90 seconds yet.

Interval 8: Thank *gasp* god tha’ts*wheeze* over *gasp* Oh shit I have to walk up the stairs to get out of here. 34 stairs to be exact. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow (repeat 30 times).

Walking home: I live on the wrong end of damn this hill. Screw you guy running past me, you’re running DOWN hill of course it looks effortless. I hate you, I hope you get bit by a dog.

Arriving home: I did it! Can’t wait to do it again Tuesday. This is going to be awesome.

2011
04/02
CATEGORY
C25K
Skinny Bitch
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This Should End Well

Hey remember when I had that dumbass idea to give up alcohol for 30 days?  Yeah, I’ve got another bad idea in the works. And while it doesn’t require I give up alcohol completely it’s going to seriously impede my imbibing. I need to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. In other words I’m going to try running. For reals this time. And I can’t imagine doing it after a night of Fireball shots. I kind of hate me right now for even considering this undertaking.

I abandoned my last 5K goal due to an unfortunate hip flexor weirdness that happened when I ran. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the shoes I bought at Ross. Because I’m determined to run Pints to Pasta this year I had to develop a different strategy. More than one friend, more than two actually, have recommended Fit Right NW as a starting point. So I went. When the sales associate asked me if she could help me, I told her I was preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She didn’t even flinch and said, “Great so you’ll need shoes then.” Awesome is what that is.

What is not awesome is the fitting process. They make you jog barefoot on a treadmill. In the store. The store, with people in it. In front of the widow. A window, with people strolling by. And as if that wasn’t enough, they video record you from behind to analyze your gait or something.  Then they make you watch the footage and explain what your feet are doing. I have no clue what my feet were doing because I could only look at my calves.

People my calves, they’re, I just…I don’t even know. They’re genetic and they’re big, and I knew that. But somehow I didn’t really know until I saw them from behind on film. Dear God.

Just as I began to recover from the jog and the footage of the jog,  the sales associate pops out with shoes for me to try-on. Except it doesn’t end with just trying them on. No no! She tells me to go run outside. Like in public. And then she asked me how they felt. Um, like shoes? I did that three times before I realized it wasn’t going to stop so I said “Yes! These are the ones they feel perfect!” Even though I have no damned clue what a perfect running shoe feels like because I don’t run! Apparently their supposed to feel like you’re not wearing shoes. So I guess I have to go home and fill them with gravel and dirt so they feel like I’m not wearing shoes. I can tell I’m going to be good at this.

2011
03/28
CATEGORY
Rambling
Skinny Bitch
1 comment

The Best Margarita You’ll Ever Have In Your Face

I love margarita’s. I hate margarita mix. The best margarita to be found (until now) is at Casa del Matador – they’re Scratch Margarita is tequila and muddled lime. That’s it, and it is delicious.

It is also inspiring…

Amy’s Margarita aka: The Best Margarita You’ll Ever Have In Your Face
1 Red Grapefruit
1/2 a Tangerine
1/2 a lime
1 shot of tequila
Some ice

Cut your fruit in half like so:

Use a fruit squisher to smash the hell out of 1 grapefruit, 1/2 a tangerine, and 1/2 a lime. Be sure to place a glass under your fruit squisher to catch the juices  or you’ll have one giant mess of slaughtered fruit and nothing to show for it.

Add ice and tequila to the glass. It’s probably easier to add the ice to the glass before you smash the hell out of the fruit, but I like to make sure there is actually enough fruit blood in my glass and ice is a deceptive bitch sometimes. Speaking of ice. Did you know I make mine from scratch? None of that ice maker shit in our house. My ice cubes are free-range!

TAH DAH! It’s delicious. If you come over I’ll make you one!

2011
03/27
CATEGORY
Liquid Porn
Skinny Bitch
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Turns Out Maturity Does Not Always Come With (Advanced) Age

Last Thursday we arrived at Shanahan’s at 4:30 for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. The front room was packed so we headed to the back and it was just as jammed. One of the servers noticed us as we walked in and said a booth had just opened up and we’d better run. Well a woman sitting on a bench against the wall overheard her and jumped up to run to grab it herself. Fortunately Karma had other plans for her and she tripped and stumbled injuring herself enough to slow her down. I went around the other side of the pool table slipped between a couple that was clearly confused by the mass of people and tossed my purse  5 feet or so on to the table. VICTORY! STEP OFF BITCH! What? Shanahan’s is the place to be on St. Patrick’s Day and we needed a home base for coats, bags, plates of corned beef and cabbage and beer stores. You would’ve done the same thing and you know it.

When WMFS returned with our iced teas  he commented that it smelled like moth balls, maybe sawdust, and it wasn’t a dig against anyone it really did smell like moth balls and I started looking around at the other Irish-for-a-day patrons. And if you weren’t there to see it you may not believe me but there was a group of about 40 people who’s ages ranged from what I would guess were 55 to 99. There were canes and I’m pretty sure at least one walker. It was a fucking gang of geriatrics! It was a sight to behold and I fucking took to Facebook and posted as much!

Here’s how it went down:

While it isn’t my wittiest post it certainly isn’t my most offensive. Or so I thought. Red took issue with it, as you can see by her comments. Yellow, who is in the age group as well clearly didn’t and posted the best comment of the bunch because it pretty much sums up his St. Patrick’s Day.

Fun Size got a message from Red today saying she was no longer coming to Happy Hour Hot Topics. And I wouldn’t be suspicious that this was the reason on its own, maybe she’s too busy with other commitments, maybe she just isn’t 100% after a recent surgery, but not this? So I went to my friends list to pull her up and shoot her a message to make sure. And people, she unfriended me. Like a 17-year-old little girl, she unfriended me. What the ever-loving fuck?

Should I feel bad? It was her age group that I posted about, but certainly not her peers. Red is incredibly active, bright, funny, she dresses fabulously and everyone adores her. The geriatric gang? Not so much. I think our server had to check a couple of them for signs of life.

The next day I learned that they are a 40+ (no shit?) singles group, most of them ordered coffee or water and they didn’t tip their server for shit despite taking up 40 seats in the back room on the bars busiest day of the year. There was a line to get in! These old ass farts seriously cut into the revenue for the night, I guaranfuckingtee it! Given those circumstances I don’t feel a bit bad about posting about their lame asses.

What really yanks my chain is that this intelligent woman in her 70’s gets her support hose in a bunch and reacts as though she’s in high school. Someone please explain this to me?

 

2011
03/22
CATEGORY
Happy Hour Hot Topics
Rambling
1 comment

I’ll Probably Regret Blogging This. Nah.

I donated blood Friday afternoon, I’ve donated several times before and was aware that I needed extra water the rest of the day etc. I drank water and when it came time to go out with friends I was cautious and only had 3 beers in a six-hour window. I came home, WMFS went to bed and I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. About an hour later I woke up terribly nauseous. Far beyond anything I can describe. This should have been the first sign. I got up and made my way to the bathroom, those 10 or 15 steps seemed to take 30 minutes, it was as if I were walking across a water-bed wearing moon boots . That should have been the second sign. I made it to the bathroom and realized not only did I think I was gonna be sick, but I had to pee thanks to all the water I consumed earlier in the day to compensate for O negative that was siphoned from my body. I reasoned that if I threw up in the toilet I would probably pee myself and that wasn’t acceptable, so I made the executive decision to sit on the toilet and take care of that business first and if necessary I could hurl in the bathtub and rinse it out. This was not a decision I should have made on my own. Dun dun dun…

If you’ve ever fainted you know that your mind comes to before your body can respond.  I panicked and thought shit I’m blind! Or it’s dark and I have missed placed my glasses. Wait what the hell am I doing lying on the floor. Why is it so cold? Why am I sweating!? And then oh fuck, no way did I faint in the bathroom. Yes, yes. That is exactly what has happened here. Fuck.

I took an assessment of my situation and realize that I’m probably bleeding from a head injury and that my body won’t be discovered for several hours when WMFS trips over me when he finally gets up to take a leak. I’m doomed. I was going to die on the bathroom floor and no one would have any idea why or how. I said your mind comes to, I didn’t say it came to reasonable conclusions. It’s then that I remembered that oh my fucking hell, my pants are down. I didn’t care if I fucking bled to death on the bathroom floor but there was no way I was going to be discovered with my Mickey Mouse pajamas around my swollen ankles. No fucking way. My arms weighed 600 pounds and I couldn’t lift my throbbing melon head of the ground, but I somehow managed to get Mickey back in the proper place. I passed out again for an undetermined amount of time. When I came to, the back of my head was angry. Stabbing and throbbing angry but not bleeding. I felt around on the floor and found my glasses, or what was left of them. I fell hard enough that I knocked a lens out of one side and broke the frame.  How I smashed the glasses on my face and ended up with a knot on the back of my head is still something I have not been able to put together. And I’ve stopped trying because there are some things I don’t want to know. Probably like how you did not want to know that I fainted and fell off the toilet this weekend. You’re welcome. Have a nice week.

2011
03/07
CATEGORY
Rambling
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