Not suitable for all audiences.

We interrupt my incessant diet bitching to bring you this WTF PSA. Before you go and tattoo what you believe is your Zodiac sign anywhere on your body, you may want to read this first. Turns out you’re probably not a <enter your sign here>. Apparently Earth has been stumbling all over its axis and has gone and fucked up the astrological calendar. GREAT, I’ve gone from being a Sagittarius to the new 13^th Zodiac sign Ophiuchus. There is no Ophiuchus in the Cosmo Bedside Astrologer? So how the fuck am I supposed to go about my year now???

Here are some of the traits of Ophiuchus:
interpreter of dreams, vivid premonitions – It is eerie how often I know something’s going to happen before it does.
attracts good luck and fruitful blessings – Rub me! I’m good luck.
serpent holder, lofty ideals – well, I suppose when I start my own neighborhood-cult-party the logo will have snakes in it.
a seeker of peace and harmony – Yes, I hate your drama.
doctor of medicine or science, natural-pathic – Let’s play doctor!
adds, increases, joins, or gathers together – I am The Social Director after all.
poetical, inventive nature, expanding qualities – This blog is a poetry of sorts isn’t it?
seeks higher education and wisdom – Everything I know I taught myself.
overseer, supervisor of work – Translation: Bossy I has it!
fame – either grand, or completely misunderstood – Says it all really.
longevity, aspirations of healing the ills of man – Check!
architect, builder, reaches for the stars, figuratively and literally – So I’m supposed to be a rock star-astronaut? That’s cool.
tax assessor, or levees taxes – I collect and hold the poker buy-ins does that count?
astrological talents, intuitive – Sure.
large family indicated, but apt to be separated from them when young – Uh? My intuitive talent cannot relate to this one.
the number twelve holds great significance – I’ll have to remember that for my lotto playin’.
foresight and good fortune to benefit from hard times – Something to look forward to?
has secret enemies in family or close associations – I KNEW it! I’m on to you fuckers.
many jealous of this subject – That’s why they are a secret enemies.
notable father, apple of father’s eye when young – Ha! I’m someone’s favorite.
high position in life expected [depending on aspects] highest fame and legend comes after death – Well I might as well just off myself now.
feelings of granular, wise, genius mentality – probably why people are jelez.
likes to wear clothing of vibrant colors, and plaids in particular – Um no, I’m a black, grey, white girl all the way. I do love me some argyle though.
receives the favor of those in authority. – When? When will this happen?

Looking at the true Zodiac dates 95% percent of the people I know signs have shifted as well. Has your sign shifted?
Capricorn: Jan. 20 – Feb. 16
Aquarius: Feb. 16 – March 11
Pisces: March 11 – April 18
Aries: April 18 – May 13
Taurus: May 13 – June 21
Gemini: June 21 – July 20
Cancer: July 20 – Aug. 10
Leo: Aug. 10 – Sept. 16
Virgo: Sept. 16 – Oct. 30
Libra: Oct. 30 – Nov. 23
Scorpio: Nov. 23 – Nov. 29
Ophiuchus: Nov. 29 – Dec. 17
Sagittarius: Dec. 17 – Jan. 20