Archive for the ‘ Rambling ’ Category

2012 Detox Day I Swear I’m Starting Tomorrow

This post is only 3 days late. I’m just going to come out and say it, despite the fact that I promised the rest of my detoxers I’d start Sunday, I still have not started. I had every intention of it. Except that Saturday after the commitment ceremony at Beaches, things went a completely different direction. A direction that involved a trip to The Quay on a Saturday night. That naturally resulted in stuffing my face with things like 30 cheese fondue and bread and martinis and wine.

MONDAY IS THE DAY!

Well except that I was woefully unprepared and hadn’t made a trip to the grocery store, and I needed that triple venti skinny vanilla latte with a side of muscle relaxers and vicodin. Zen tea and Advil was no match for my mood Monday morning. Also, nachos and wine is a perfectly acceptable dinner. SHUT UP! It is! So yeah starting Tuesday was the game plan.

TUESDAY, LET’S DO THIS!

Off to a descent start! Starbucks can suck it! I started the day with a Zen green tea. It did not result in feeling very fucking zen. The three Peppermint Patty minis on the other had have made it possible to not yell “fuck you” to each person that has tried to say good morning to me. And I ate a banana, so that fucking counts.

In other words I’m starting tomorrow. No flour, sugar or processed foods. And if something has more than three ingredients and I cannot pronounce  the superfluous ingredient, it’s off-limits.

What about you all? How have you done on your attempts at detox and resolutions?

Clearing the Cobwebs

Goddamn this blog is dusty. Cobwebs fucking everywhere *waves broom around maniacally*.

So obviously I haven’t been traveling or I would’ve been here bitching about my fellow travelers, whatever injustice the airlines had irritated me with, and probably a falling down recap. But no, not traveling for a while. The next journey on my calendar is an overnight trip to Seattle June 1, with my boss and office mate. Last time we three made this trip we got lost walking back to our hotel from dinner. In an area you do not want to be lost in. We rule at travel.

I have back to back trips in Vegas and Salt Lake City coming up in July. The culture shock will be awesome. Especially since yours truly has never been to Vegas. And there’s a trip to Dallas in August. Hopefully there will be plenty of blog fodder from those trips.

Let’s see what has happened since I was here last.

  • I played a successful practical joke on a coworker. One that involved his cherished mug, it’s own blog, a massage chair and happy hour. Oh and our CEO and a VP. I am now a sitting duck waiting for retribution. I should have thought that through more carefully.
  • Planned a dinner at Main Event for a work celebration. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I should not be allowed in a room with our CFO and corporate attorney let alone sitting across from one of them at dinner. We all survived. And the rock stars at Main Event killed it, Kelly’s service was flawless and they managed to win over some new customers. Someone actually said that she never would have walked into the place based on the outside. Whatever, more Truffle Fries for me bitches.
  • I planned a celebration at the office that was postponed after I blew up 64 balloons for a balloon arch. It was for good reason, and it turns out that a dress rehearsal was a good thing. Also, I may have inadvertently got a few coworkers drunk on champagne when the actual event did go down two days later. Or maybe it was on purpose, that seems more like something I’d do. Also, those people? MUCH more pleasant to be around when they are buzzed. I’m just sayin’. I may start slipping vodka into the coffee pots upstairs. It is for the good of everyone.
  • I am now planning an even bigger headache event for June. A cocktail party (duh), 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners for 30 people. Along with our version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Minute to Win it. There will also be some educational content mixed in, but really who are we kidding, I’m all about the parties and gift bags! I love this shit.
  • Don’t even ask about running. Because there hasn’t been any. I did great through my Austin trip and then BAM! Fucking rain. All. The. Time. I have no issue with admitting I am a pussy when it comes to running in the rain. So until it’s consistently dryish…fuck that noise.
  • Happy Hour Hot Topics is still going down every Monday night. We need some fresh perspectives though, so if you’re interested in telling other people what to do with their love lives, let me know!

I think that catches us up.

This Should End Well

Hey remember when I had that dumbass idea to give up alcohol for 30 days?  Yeah, I’ve got another bad idea in the works. And while it doesn’t require I give up alcohol completely it’s going to seriously impede my imbibing. I need to prepare for the Zombie Apocalypse. In other words I’m going to try running. For reals this time. And I can’t imagine doing it after a night of Fireball shots. I kind of hate me right now for even considering this undertaking.

I abandoned my last 5K goal due to an unfortunate hip flexor weirdness that happened when I ran. I’m sure it had nothing to do with the shoes I bought at Ross. Because I’m determined to run Pints to Pasta this year I had to develop a different strategy. More than one friend, more than two actually, have recommended Fit Right NW as a starting point. So I went. When the sales associate asked me if she could help me, I told her I was preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She didn’t even flinch and said, “Great so you’ll need shoes then.” Awesome is what that is.

What is not awesome is the fitting process. They make you jog barefoot on a treadmill. In the store. The store, with people in it. In front of the widow. A window, with people strolling by. And as if that wasn’t enough, they video record you from behind to analyze your gait or something.  Then they make you watch the footage and explain what your feet are doing. I have no clue what my feet were doing because I could only look at my calves.

People my calves, they’re, I just…I don’t even know. They’re genetic and they’re big, and I knew that. But somehow I didn’t really know until I saw them from behind on film. Dear God.

Just as I began to recover from the jog and the footage of the jog,  the sales associate pops out with shoes for me to try-on. Except it doesn’t end with just trying them on. No no! She tells me to go run outside. Like in public. And then she asked me how they felt. Um, like shoes? I did that three times before I realized it wasn’t going to stop so I said “Yes! These are the ones they feel perfect!” Even though I have no damned clue what a perfect running shoe feels like because I don’t run! Apparently their supposed to feel like you’re not wearing shoes. So I guess I have to go home and fill them with gravel and dirt so they feel like I’m not wearing shoes. I can tell I’m going to be good at this.

Turns Out Maturity Does Not Always Come With (Advanced) Age

Last Thursday we arrived at Shanahan’s at 4:30 for the St. Patrick’s Day festivities. The front room was packed so we headed to the back and it was just as jammed. One of the servers noticed us as we walked in and said a booth had just opened up and we’d better run. Well a woman sitting on a bench against the wall overheard her and jumped up to run to grab it herself. Fortunately Karma had other plans for her and she tripped and stumbled injuring herself enough to slow her down. I went around the other side of the pool table slipped between a couple that was clearly confused by the mass of people and tossed my purse  5 feet or so on to the table. VICTORY! STEP OFF BITCH! What? Shanahan’s is the place to be on St. Patrick’s Day and we needed a home base for coats, bags, plates of corned beef and cabbage and beer stores. You would’ve done the same thing and you know it.

When WMFS returned with our iced teas  he commented that it smelled like moth balls, maybe sawdust, and it wasn’t a dig against anyone it really did smell like moth balls and I started looking around at the other Irish-for-a-day patrons. And if you weren’t there to see it you may not believe me but there was a group of about 40 people who’s ages ranged from what I would guess were 55 to 99. There were canes and I’m pretty sure at least one walker. It was a fucking gang of geriatrics! It was a sight to behold and I fucking took to Facebook and posted as much!

Here’s how it went down:

While it isn’t my wittiest post it certainly isn’t my most offensive. Or so I thought. Red took issue with it, as you can see by her comments. Yellow, who is in the age group as well clearly didn’t and posted the best comment of the bunch because it pretty much sums up his St. Patrick’s Day.

Fun Size got a message from Red today saying she was no longer coming to Happy Hour Hot Topics. And I wouldn’t be suspicious that this was the reason on its own, maybe she’s too busy with other commitments, maybe she just isn’t 100% after a recent surgery, but not this? So I went to my friends list to pull her up and shoot her a message to make sure. And people, she unfriended me. Like a 17-year-old little girl, she unfriended me. What the ever-loving fuck?

Should I feel bad? It was her age group that I posted about, but certainly not her peers. Red is incredibly active, bright, funny, she dresses fabulously and everyone adores her. The geriatric gang? Not so much. I think our server had to check a couple of them for signs of life.

The next day I learned that they are a 40+ (no shit?) singles group, most of them ordered coffee or water and they didn’t tip their server for shit despite taking up 40 seats in the back room on the bars busiest day of the year. There was a line to get in! These old ass farts seriously cut into the revenue for the night, I guaranfuckingtee it! Given those circumstances I don’t feel a bit bad about posting about their lame asses.

What really yanks my chain is that this intelligent woman in her 70’s gets her support hose in a bunch and reacts as though she’s in high school. Someone please explain this to me?

 

I’ll Probably Regret Blogging This. Nah.

I donated blood Friday afternoon, I’ve donated several times before and was aware that I needed extra water the rest of the day etc. I drank water and when it came time to go out with friends I was cautious and only had 3 beers in a six-hour window. I came home, WMFS went to bed and I fell asleep on the couch watching TV. About an hour later I woke up terribly nauseous. Far beyond anything I can describe. This should have been the first sign. I got up and made my way to the bathroom, those 10 or 15 steps seemed to take 30 minutes, it was as if I were walking across a water-bed wearing moon boots . That should have been the second sign. I made it to the bathroom and realized not only did I think I was gonna be sick, but I had to pee thanks to all the water I consumed earlier in the day to compensate for O negative that was siphoned from my body. I reasoned that if I threw up in the toilet I would probably pee myself and that wasn’t acceptable, so I made the executive decision to sit on the toilet and take care of that business first and if necessary I could hurl in the bathtub and rinse it out. This was not a decision I should have made on my own. Dun dun dun…

If you’ve ever fainted you know that your mind comes to before your body can respond.  I panicked and thought shit I’m blind! Or it’s dark and I have missed placed my glasses. Wait what the hell am I doing lying on the floor. Why is it so cold? Why am I sweating!? And then oh fuck, no way did I faint in the bathroom. Yes, yes. That is exactly what has happened here. Fuck.

I took an assessment of my situation and realize that I’m probably bleeding from a head injury and that my body won’t be discovered for several hours when WMFS trips over me when he finally gets up to take a leak. I’m doomed. I was going to die on the bathroom floor and no one would have any idea why or how. I said your mind comes to, I didn’t say it came to reasonable conclusions. It’s then that I remembered that oh my fucking hell, my pants are down. I didn’t care if I fucking bled to death on the bathroom floor but there was no way I was going to be discovered with my Mickey Mouse pajamas around my swollen ankles. No fucking way. My arms weighed 600 pounds and I couldn’t lift my throbbing melon head of the ground, but I somehow managed to get Mickey back in the proper place. I passed out again for an undetermined amount of time. When I came to, the back of my head was angry. Stabbing and throbbing angry but not bleeding. I felt around on the floor and found my glasses, or what was left of them. I fell hard enough that I knocked a lens out of one side and broke the frame.  How I smashed the glasses on my face and ended up with a knot on the back of my head is still something I have not been able to put together. And I’ve stopped trying because there are some things I don’t want to know. Probably like how you did not want to know that I fainted and fell off the toilet this weekend. You’re welcome. Have a nice week.

One Year

It’s been a year that we’ve been at this relationship advice thing. Swear on my gin that I didn’t think we’d make it six weeks. I told more than one person I’d play along for 3 months and by then The Dreamer would be on to her next project or I’d be sick of hanging out with chicks. I’ll be honest; I max out my threshold for chick bullshit regularly. My patience for anyone else’s estrogen inspired crazy is nearly nonexistent hence the reason I surround myself with a lot of dicks.

So yeah, one year; I’ve even learned some things:

  1. If I can’t wait to get to happy hour, happy hour is probably the last thing I need. (Shots!)
  2. If I have no desire to go to happy hour, it is probably exactly what I need.
  3. I love a One Night Stand as much as the next Go to Girl, but I prefer our Booty Calls; they know how we like it.
  4. We suck at taking our own relationship advice.
  5. We excel at taking our own sex advice. (Cock karaoke rocks!)
  6. To everyone’s amazement, I really enjoy hanging out with these women. Obviously, they’re hot, but also because they are whip-ass smart, hysterical, and bring zero drama to the party.
  7. Even more amazing, they’re still hanging out with me. I’m not saying they enjoy it, I’m just saying it’s still happening.
  8. Wine drinking gloves are necessary

I Don’t Know About You But…

The list below contains the words that I’ve had to add to my WordPress dictionary since I started this site in January. I don’t know about you but I see inspiration for a sweet porn script.

amirite
assvice
batshit
BFF’s
BJ
booze
Brickhouse
couve
cuntender
cuntiest
cunts
de-fucking-licious
douchey
edamame
favoritest
Febreze
Fishville
fuckers
Fuckton
hairballs
HHHT
Haaaaaaaaate
Krab
lady-massage
Motherfucking
neeeeeeed
OMFG
oooohhhh
pedicure
pepperochini
poki
pussies
Ragdolls
Randoms
Ruxin
Scentsy
Shany’s
shrooms
Slingblade
sluts
Spanx
Tanquerey
Tuaca
turdfest
vagina
wellish
WMFS/WMFS’s
Yoplait
Zumba