Archive for the ‘ The Job ’ Category

Clearing the Cobwebs

Goddamn this blog is dusty. Cobwebs fucking everywhere *waves broom around maniacally*.

So obviously I haven’t been traveling or I would’ve been here bitching about my fellow travelers, whatever injustice the airlines had irritated me with, and probably a falling down recap. But no, not traveling for a while. The next journey on my calendar is an overnight trip to Seattle June 1, with my boss and office mate. Last time we three made this trip we got lost walking back to our hotel from dinner. In an area you do not want to be lost in. We rule at travel.

I have back to back trips in Vegas and Salt Lake City coming up in July. The culture shock will be awesome. Especially since yours truly has never been to Vegas. And there’s a trip to Dallas in August. Hopefully there will be plenty of blog fodder from those trips.

Let’s see what has happened since I was here last.

  • I played a successful practical joke on a coworker. One that involved his cherished mug, it’s own blog, a massage chair and happy hour. Oh and our CEO and a VP. I am now a sitting duck waiting for retribution. I should have thought that through more carefully.
  • Planned a dinner at Main Event for a work celebration. To say I was nervous was an understatement. I should not be allowed in a room with our CFO and corporate attorney let alone sitting across from one of them at dinner. We all survived. And the rock stars at Main Event killed it, Kelly’s service was flawless and they managed to win over some new customers. Someone actually said that she never would have walked into the place based on the outside. Whatever, more Truffle Fries for me bitches.
  • I planned a celebration at the office that was postponed after I blew up 64 balloons for a balloon arch. It was for good reason, and it turns out that a dress rehearsal was a good thing. Also, I may have inadvertently got a few coworkers drunk on champagne when the actual event did go down two days later. Or maybe it was on purpose, that seems more like something I’d do. Also, those people? MUCH more pleasant to be around when they are buzzed. I’m just sayin’. I may start slipping vodka into the coffee pots upstairs. It is for the good of everyone.
  • I am now planning an even bigger headache event for June. A cocktail party (duh), 2 breakfasts, 2 lunches, and 2 dinners for 30 people. Along with our version of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and Minute to Win it. There will also be some educational content mixed in, but really who are we kidding, I’m all about the parties and gift bags! I love this shit.
  • Don’t even ask about running. Because there hasn’t been any. I did great through my Austin trip and then BAM! Fucking rain. All. The. Time. I have no issue with admitting I am a pussy when it comes to running in the rain. So until it’s consistently dryish…fuck that noise.
  • Happy Hour Hot Topics is still going down every Monday night. We need some fresh perspectives though, so if you’re interested in telling other people what to do with their love lives, let me know!

I think that catches us up.

Austin Day Three

First thing I did this morning when I got downstairs was look up those other two work style types I couldn’t remember. I knew the one I scored highest in started with e-x. Excitable? Yes, but not it. Expendable? Yes again, but still not the right word. Drove me nuts all night.

Can you stand the suspense…

EXPRESSIVE. Yes, that is the work style I scored highest in but could not remember. Amiable was the other. WHATEVER! I don’t have an ulcer. At least we can all get some sleep tonight.

Day two’s agenda was even better than day one, and not just because there were no big words for me to forget. Day two is Operational Excellence and Guest Service Day. I’ve got home court advantage for these sections. The Guest video makes me laugh. The group was feisty today, like locked up monkeys or something. It’s bizarre how managers go a little crazy when their kept in a chair for 2 days. What’s crazier is some of the sound bites that came out of the last 2 days:

Addressing a manager:“You hit the nail on the key” – My Boss
Commenting on the amount of water I consumed today:“You’re going to be over saturated” – Sledgehammer
In response: “I’m not a lawn!” – Yours Truly
Retort: “You won’t drain properly!”  – Sledgehammer
OK maybe we were all a little stir crazy. Also Sledge has never seen my giant green hydration tank I drag around like a tattered security blanket so how was he to know that the water he saw me consume was only a drop in the bucket. Heh heh, see what I did there? OK I’ll stop.

We had dinner at Brickhouse Tavern & Tap. I am sad and offended that this wonderful concept has not made it further west than Texas. I’m starting a petition. We need more cask-aged beer! Mmmmmmmm smooth and velvety.

Oh and this happened:

That fashion tragedy is brought to you by my refusal to check a bag – only brought two pair of shoes – and walking 300 million blocks and giving myself blisters last night. I totally represented the PNW in this outfit. However, despite being hobbled by a blister the size of a silver dollar, I still did my blasted C25K workout. I’m hardcore (no not at all).

Let the record show it is 9:15ish here, and I am in my room. Where I shall stay because we leave for the airport at 5:45 tomorrow. The sun has been beautiful, but I’m ready to head home.

Austin Day Two

Short version: I’m in my room with blisters on both feet and it’s only 10:30 pm. I might be doing this wrong.

Rambley version: Day one of class was great. I love the agenda for day one. It might be my favorite class agenda so far! Great group of managers. All but one work with the same owner, and they are all humorous with a touch of sarcasm. Crazy that I liked them immediately right? Day one of class contains a work style assessment. Possible styles are Doers, Analytics, and two others I can’t remember the titles for at the moment and my notes are downstairs. Guess which two I scored highest in? Right! The two I cannot name. More importantly guess which one I scored the lowest in by a wide margin. If you guessed analytic you win.

The leadership part of the agenda was great as well, especially the part where my co-worker and I won the game by DOUBLE the other teams’ points. No, we didn’t cheat, we just took awesome notes and have wicked fast reflexes. I’d be glad to recreate our victory with puppets if anyone is interested. No? OK let me know if you change your mind.

My boss wasn’t feeling well today so she headed back to her room after class and gave me and my partner in The Epic Win the key to the rental car. Naturally, we headed to 6th Street and walked 3 million blocks or long enough for me to blister the bottom of both of my feet. Pro tip: Don’t get so excited about sun that you forget your feet haven’t been sockless for 8 months. Sandals – no matter how cute – are not meant for walking around a metropolitan area. The More You Know!

We wandered into some sort of weird, random trinket store and I bought a bracelet made of beads that look like skulls. It is my most prized possession! I had a voodoo doll in my hand as well but put it back since I had trouble narrowing down who would be the recipient of my voodoo. Probably best for everyone. We also visited Waterloo Records and it was awesome. I’m now kicking myself for not purchasing the kitchen tongs that are shaped like a microphone. I could do some mad karaoke practice with those and WMFS could use them for tonging things. Dual purpose kitchen utensils are the bomb!

We finally decided on diner at The Jackalope. It was voted “best dive bar” in Austin. It spoke to us, what? There is a giant jackalope with a saddle in the entry! How do you pass that up?! The food was delicious. And the Single-wide IPA was excellent. If you like IPA it’s a must try. By the Bottle carries it and I believe Fred Meyer does too. The sad sad truth is that I only had one.

So to recap: Skulls. Won the leadership game. Blisters. Jackalope. Single-wide IPA.

Tomorrow I think we’re going to sit on a hill and watch bats. I really do think I’m doing this wrong.

Austin Day One

It is that time of year again! Spring brings rain, rain, more rain and my travel season!  Strap in folks! This is just the beginning.

The trip started with my alarm going off at 5:30 am. I think the next time I have to get up at 5:30 am I’m going to make some “accidental” pocket dials. That way you all get the full experience as it’s happening rather than these marginally entertaining recaps.

The PDX-OAK leg of this trip was uneventful; I began to wonder if I would have anything to share with you all. And then we landed in Las Vegas. I was the only passenger to stay on the plane and Oh. My. Hell.  did it get interesting at that point. First passenger on the plane had two purse dogs sans the purse. Remember I’m the ONLY person on the plane. Every seat but the one my ass was in was available. And yet, she asked if she could sit in my row. Why would she do that? I surprised even myself when I said I’d prefer if she didn’t and for the briefest of moments I felt like a total a-hole. Then I remembered I wasn’t the crazy that brought two lap dogs on a plane. She took it well and sat across the aisle. And to be fair the dogs never made a sound or even moved that I know of. But still!

For those in the audience that aren’t privy to my vacation history, I’ve never been to Vegas so I have never left Vegas to understand the state that one would be in. Um wow, just…I don’t…I don’t even know what to say about it. Is there some sort of city ordinance that states you cannot shower before you leave the city? Do they require you to leave smelling like you just got off a refugee boat? Do they confiscate your toothbrush? Is deodorant contraband? Help me understand this! Needless to say the LAS-AUS leg of the trip was the longest of my short life (hush). But when I landed all was forgotten because hello sunshine! Glorious, glorious sunshine. I won’t be horrible and tell you the temperatures that are expected this week. Go ahead and click the link if you’d like to torture yourself. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

I met my coworker at baggage claim and my boss picked us up curbside. We dropped our bags at the hotel and found food quickly. Here’s what I recommend you don’t do; Don’t decide 3 days before your trip to start the C25K program. And then certainly don’t stuff your face full of shrimp enchiladas knowing damn well you have to go do some interval running nonsense. Just sayin’.

I’m Alive! Mostly.

Holy shit you guys last week was insane. Monday I spent recovering from the Super Bowl, which mostly entailed lounging around watching more Black Ops and then finally dragging it to Shanahan’s for food around 3:00 pm. I’m high-class people.

I am so glad I took Monday off, but not for the original reason of damage control, oh no, I am so glad I had the day off because the rest of the week was an awesomely awesome ass kicking thanks to what I affectionately refer to as our Company Love In. The Company Love In was a 3 day meeting spread over 4 days that included a lot of idea sharing and warm fuzzy togetherness. Wednesday was casino night so brilliantly I asked the Go to Girls to meet in the hotel bar so I could bounce back and forth between HHHT and work shenanigans. And although I didn’t contribute much to the answers that night, I think my contribution of some delicious eye candy in the form of a couple single coworkers bought me a pass for the week. Thursday was my contribution to the love in, The Talent(less) Show. People! This show rocked like I had no fucking idea it would. It came together so well, the talent was hysterical and genuine and just fucking awesome. My master of ceremonies can do no wrong in my eyes at the moment, he was amazing, and totally born to play that part.  People are talking about the next one, but there is no way to follow that show up with another one so for next year I’ll have to have something completely different but equally awesome. The wheels are turning and will be greased repeatedly with wine until the best idea ever is concocted.

I followed that up with a Friday night at Shanahan’s and a spur of the moment trip to a strip club with a cast of characters that probably didn’t belong in a strip club.  We had one person that is on the fence about strip clubs because her boyfriends ex was a stripper. Yes I said ex, as in before he knew her. But to hear her talk about it, you’d think he dated a stripper to intentionally cause problems in a future relationship he had no clue would exist. Add to that we had an employer taking her 21-year-old assistant out. You can see where this is going, we’ve got fresh meat for the boys, a possible couples argument, and definitely a sexual harassment lawsuit. Man, do we know how to have fun!

Saturday was even more random with a stop at Main Event for dinner and then an impromptu meeting with The BFF’s cousins. People we went to Oscars and I will never again give that place another dollar. The bartenders are the cuntiest cunts I’ve ever come across and the owner has the decency of a child molester. I got kicked out for trying to pay my tab, I’m not even kidding. A member of our entourage got x-ed and escorted out. WMFS asked for our tab, 10 minutes later we still don’t have it and so I ask for it. The cuntenders are seriously just standing their talking to each other. I said excuse me we need our tab and the 1st cuntender responded with “I GOT FIREBALL SPLASHED IN MY EYES!” with flailing arms and all sorts of drama. I responded “Why is that stopping her from pushing buttons and getting me my tab?” Immediately they were both signaling to the bouncers that I was to be kicked out. I’m still not speaking to WMFS because his dumb ass tipped them more than he tips our regular awesome bartenders in an asinine attempt to smooth things over. We were already kicked out? How was that going to help? Arrrggggg!

We walked to Irish Town for another round, headed to Shari’s for some food and then called a cab. The last time I had my wallet was in the cab. I’m still waiting to hear back…I’ve called three times and the one person that can get into the safe hasn’t shown up for work yet. The dispatcher has been really nice but I’m not impress with the fact that someone with the ability to do shit for a customer isn’t available. Garrrrrrhhhh!

Edited to add: My wallet is gone. This is officially the shittiest Monday in a very long time.

Day Twenty-four

I was told today I dress inappropriately at work. Apparently my outfit yesterday was “distracting”. People, I had on a black turtle neck sweater, grey skirt, opaque black tights and heels.  My turtle neck was far from tight, my skirt wasn’t short although the bottom layer was black so against the tights it may have appeared shorter that it was, and my heels were far from knock-me-down-and-fuck me height.  The only thing exposed besides my face was my hands. GASP!

It’s maddening! I wouldn’t take issue with a dress code if it was applied to everyone. There is an obese woman who wears a pair of black pants with a run in the back at least twice a week.  Another woman dresses like a bag lady and comes to work with wet hair, one guy wears a nylon tee-shirt to work weekly and don’t even get me started about the lady that has a camel toe every fucking Friday!  And yet, my outfits are inappropriate. It’s like I’m in a twilight zone episode.

Either I’m having a drink or someone is getting stabbed and since I’m determined to make it to 30 days without alcohol, looks like I’m going to needs some help cleaning up and an alibi.

Seven. More. Days.

Day Twenty-three

This was a really dumb time to give up drinking. Not like there is ever a good time, except pregnancy maybe. But my timing was über bad. In two weeks all of the field people from The Job will descend on Vancouver for a three-day company love-in complete with a casino night and talent show.

Guess who’s has two thumbs and is in charge of the talent show >>this girl<<. Guess who lacks the creativity required to pull off a talent show without a glass of wine during planning sessions? Same girl. Not to mention, my favoritest talent show committee member won’t be here for the love-in. And one team member makes me want to drive nails in my eyes and ears. And since I cannot drink wine to numb the heat from that special hell, the nails are sounding like an excellent alternative right now.

 Speaking of bad timing, as of February 1st I will be a Light Weight. Excellent planning going into the Super Bowl and this company love-in. I am not smart. I should probably not drink at all. I will probably not take my own advice and do it anyway. Idiot. In other news, it has become obvious to me that the need to lose weight was not in my head. I have dropped what I consider a milestone amount of weight and it has gone completely unnoticed by anyone with opposable thumbs. So the quest continues until I require an entire new wardrobe. 

P.S. The cleanse still sucks.