Archive for the ‘ The Master Cleanse ’ Category

Day Twenty-four

I was told today I dress inappropriately at work. Apparently my outfit yesterday was “distracting”. People, I had on a black turtle neck sweater, grey skirt, opaque black tights and heels.  My turtle neck was far from tight, my skirt wasn’t short although the bottom layer was black so against the tights it may have appeared shorter that it was, and my heels were far from knock-me-down-and-fuck me height.  The only thing exposed besides my face was my hands. GASP!

It’s maddening! I wouldn’t take issue with a dress code if it was applied to everyone. There is an obese woman who wears a pair of black pants with a run in the back at least twice a week.  Another woman dresses like a bag lady and comes to work with wet hair, one guy wears a nylon tee-shirt to work weekly and don’t even get me started about the lady that has a camel toe every fucking Friday!  And yet, my outfits are inappropriate. It’s like I’m in a twilight zone episode.

Either I’m having a drink or someone is getting stabbed and since I’m determined to make it to 30 days without alcohol, looks like I’m going to needs some help cleaning up and an alibi.

Seven. More. Days.


Day Twenty-three

This was a really dumb time to give up drinking. Not like there is ever a good time, except pregnancy maybe. But my timing was über bad. In two weeks all of the field people from The Job will descend on Vancouver for a three-day company love-in complete with a casino night and talent show.

Guess who’s has two thumbs and is in charge of the talent show >>this girl<<. Guess who lacks the creativity required to pull off a talent show without a glass of wine during planning sessions? Same girl. Not to mention, my favoritest talent show committee member won’t be here for the love-in. And one team member makes me want to drive nails in my eyes and ears. And since I cannot drink wine to numb the heat from that special hell, the nails are sounding like an excellent alternative right now.

 Speaking of bad timing, as of February 1st I will be a Light Weight. Excellent planning going into the Super Bowl and this company love-in. I am not smart. I should probably not drink at all. I will probably not take my own advice and do it anyway. Idiot. In other news, it has become obvious to me that the need to lose weight was not in my head. I have dropped what I consider a milestone amount of weight and it has gone completely unnoticed by anyone with opposable thumbs. So the quest continues until I require an entire new wardrobe. 

P.S. The cleanse still sucks.

Days Twenty-one and Twenty-two

Today is a combined post because what can really be said about another weekend of not drinking? February 1st is so close I can smell it!


Saturday I put in 2 hours on the elliptical. Why? No damned idea, it was there, I was there, it just happened (man how my Saturday’s have changed; that sounds more like something I would say about a random hook-up than a day at the gym). Speaking of the gym, people who fart at the gym are shitbags. I’m huffing and puffing away on an elliptical gasping for air and the fat guy shuffling along on the treadmill watching Empire Strikes Back on his DVD player (tears ass. I can only assume it was him because he was the only person in a 10 foot radius of me. I have never wanted to trip someone so hard in my life!

That night we headed to the Main Event, ohhhhhh how I wanted to dip my face in a plate of their Truffle Fries. But I drank hot water with lemon while we mocked a group of 21 year olds out celebrating a birthday party and discussed the topic of Donkey Shows in-depth. Then we went and saw The Dilemma; it was good, different from what I expected. See it on a Tuesday when tickets are $5.

Sunday I reunited with my pal the elliptical for an hour and then joined the boys for football. While they were lecherous traitors and ate a delivery pizza, I drank hot water with lemon and searched for a new hair style and color. I know how to live don’t I?

I did manage to surf the web for a bit of food porn:

Ravioli with Balsamic Browned Butter

Asian Shrimp, Pineapple and Peanut Salad

Day Nineteen

This post is kind of all over the place. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Are you aware that Kate Gosselin is younger than me? What the hell? Am I the only one confused by this? Yes? Ok moving on.

I should have started a pool on when I’d bail on this no alcohol thing. Someone could make some cash. Did any of you start one?

Since I’m only existing on air and the smell of WMFS’s dinner instead of talking about what I didn’t eat today, lemme tell you what I wish I was eating, because oooohhhh these all sound so good it makes me feel dirty. Try ’em out and let me know what you think!

Apple and Smoked Mozzarella Mini Calzones

Brie and Brisket Quesadillas with Mango Barbeque Sauce

Zesty Enchiladas

Ultimate Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Chicken with Boursin Mushroom Sauce

Go forth and enjoy!

Day Eighteen

Since I have absolutely nothing to whine about today in regards to this cleanse let’s talk instead about the utterly insane Happy Hour Hot Topics  I survived tonight.




Foreshadowing Incident The First: Crazy Bitches be coming out of the internet and showing up to join the group. We have had 3. THREE! Women find us on the web and want to join us. The Dreamer has no concern for our well-being and just invites them along with no background check. Last night two of these randoms took part.

Foreshadowing Incident The Second: The Dreamer invited a mother-in-law type person and her 5 girlfriends.

Foreshadowing Incident The Third:  The Dreamer’s boyfriend’s business partner was there. He and I agree on nothing except stripper poles. (We’ll call him Old Dude)

(DO YOU SEE HOW MANY RANDOMS THERE WE’RE??? – 4 Go to Girls vs. 8 Randoms. Not numbers that I am pleased with at all. Especially without alcohol.)

Foreshadowing Incident The Fourth: Magic Booty Call was there to provide the male perspective. Old ladies LOVE Magic Booty Call.

Things to consider: Going forward the older ladies and the old dude will be referred to as the Been There Done That Club. The two randoms will be called the Randoms natch. Also, I can’t make this shit up! OH! Remember 3 of the 4 Go to Girls are 100% sober during this insanity.

When I arrive the Been There Done That Club is already shit-faced and quickly approaching butt-wasted. Introductions are made and I find myself sandwiched between the Old Dude and the newest Random. Newest Random immediately tells me she’s lonely and broke, she leaves out crazy but I can smell it on her. Old Dude ignores. For now.

We start answering questions and it becomes clear that the Been There Done That Club isn’t really in touch with anything that isn’t in their hand and full of alcohol and all are suffering greatly from dementia. Thank the devil we only had a few questions to suffer through.

We moved on to Magic Booty call blowing everyone’s mind (what’s left of some) with some incredible tricks. If The Been There Done That Club weren’t outfitted in Spanx and granny panties I’m sure a few pair would’ve been tossed his way. Meanwhile on my side of the table we’ve got one Random getting drunk enough to leave her sweater and purse in the ladies when she heads home,  the other vibrating with excitement from just not being at home! alone! and broke! , and me trying my damnedest to not shove my pen into my neck to stop the pain.

Spoiler Alert: I didn’t stab myself or drink.

At some point – the night takes a turn for the is-this-really-fucking-happening; Magic Booty Call talks one of the ladies into not only doing a shot with him but also buying them. The shot of choice, Jager Bomb.

You guys I watched a 71-year-old woman do 2 possibly 3  Jager Bombs, suck face with Old Dude and then stumble to the bathroom to puke her face off. It was horrible and awesome all at the same time.

Day Seventeen

This isn’t going exactly as I had anticipated. I did not anticipate gaining weight after the first two days of this cleanse. Yeah you read that right; nothing but a questionable form of lemonade and Smooth Move Tea and I’ve gained weight. I am attributing it to the bloat from the 2 day salt water flush of failure and hormonal interference. I’m pressing on another day, if this hasn’t started to do the trick by Saturday (Day 7 of the cleanse) I’m ending it.

I added more lemon juice to the lemonade mixture to cut the sweetness and that is an improvement. I get to drink herbal tea too, which is nice because it’s warm and I am freezing lately. Does anyone know of a turkey flavored herbal tea? Anything not fruit, herb or flower based? I’m already tired of sweet stuff and would give WMFS’ left arm for meat flavored anything. What? He’s the bastard daring to cook things like Loco Moco and Beef Stroganoff in an attempt to put on weight. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! He could stand to sacrifice something like an arm amirite?

I did manage 30 minutes on the elliptical today. Whoo whoo!

Day Sixteen

Time for another dispatch from my own personal hell; a hell which I willing created for myself let us not forget. What is wrong with me? I am incredibly depressed by this undertaking. I’ve done the Salt Water Flush twice. Not a damn thing has happened except my fingers have turned into 10 Vienna sausages. WTF? Apparently my digestive system is terrified by this cleanse. My digestive system needs to get the fuck over it already.  

I didn’t weigh myself again today. It wouldn’t be good. The bloat from chugging 2 liters of salt water in two days is not pretty and wouldn’t translate well on the scale. I’ll get back to it tomorrow.  I’m not expecting miracles.

Day 2 of the “lemonade” was unremarkable. I haven’t been hungry but a whiff of anything savory makes me want to eat it just to taste something besides sickly sweet. 8 glasses of this yuck a day is hard to get down. I think six is a better number for me maybe. We’ll see. WMFS has been trying to not eat around me; unfortunately the smell lingers in the house. Thank God for Febreze room spray. The cinnamon and sugar scent is sweet enough that it doesn’t trigger a craving, silver linings and all.  

I managed to drag my sorry as to the gym for a 30 minute stroll on the treadmill. I was a little timid about pushing it too far since I haven’t consumed many calories the last 2 days. I think I could have actually jumped on the elliptical and been fine. I’m giving that a go tomorrow.