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Me + Yukon = Hysterical. Me + Yukon + Snow = Everyone is Fucked

I hate driving WMFS’ Yukon on the best of days. Recently I made the unfortunate decision to load up 4 co-workers and take a field trip to Chipotle because Chipotle is the best field trip ever.

Here is a snap shot of the conversations that were had during said field trip:

Me: Ok let’s just get this straight, I don’t drive this thing, I aim it. And we will be parking at Nautilus so that I can park it in three spots and not care.

Entire Car, Thinking To Themselves: Oh dear god, we’re gonna die.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

From the middle row, Co-worker 1: Hey can we get some air back here.

Me: I don’t even know which buttons to push to make that happen.

Me: (Fiddling with buttons on the roof above the windshield)

Co-worker 2: Hey why don’t you just focus on the road?

Entire car: Good call!

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Me trying to merge: Hey am I clear to the right?

Right Side: Yep

Co-worker 2: What was I thinking?

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

Me, upon arriving at Chipotle: See we made it!

Co-worker 2: I’m not celebrating yet, we still have to make it back to the office.

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

From the cheap seats, Co-worker 3: Is this soap back here in the cup holder?

Me: Uh, probably. Probably left over from a camping trip.

From the cheap seats, Co-worker 4: Yeah but why is it back here?

Me: I don’t know, how often do you think I’m in the back seat of my own truck?

Entire car: …

So that is what it is like to ride with me in the Yukon. It’s a terrifying thrill ride! Buy tickets now!

Anyway, today with this craptastic snow fall, I took the truck to work. Did you know a spatula makes a better ice scraper than an actual ice scraper? My neighbor used his barbecue brush, but I could tell he was totally jealous of my spatula.

And I swear people KNEW where I’d attempt to park it and stayed clear of those 6 parking spaces. My co-workers are so thoughtful! Thankfully the snow is melting so aiming my way home will be a piece of cake. Unfortunately it’s supposed to freeze tomorrow. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!


Day Seven

This is seriously fucked off. I have slept like shit this entire week. Is this diet fucking with anyone else’s precious slumber? Because goddamn it I need my beauty sleep! This trashy stripper look I rock requires at least 8 hours. If I keep getting less than that, I’ll start looking like more meth-hooker than trashy stripper. Nobody wants that. So now I’ve got marshmallow cravings and I meth problem? How is this improving my health???

Me: Maybe I should just find a meth dealer. Or learn how to make my own so that it’s organic and complies with this fucking diet.
Scale: 5.5 lbs total lost this week
Me: Or not.

Today I attended belated holiday party at with my department for The Job. A wine and desert holiday party. I brought a berry tray. I ate the shit out of those berries too while everyone else enjoyed, cheesecake, Mississippi Mud, Better Than Sex Cake, Marble Cake…you get the idea. A co-workers husband didn’t make it all the way in the door before he zeroed in on the glass of sparkling water in my hand had there been a record player playing it would have screeched to silence as he tried to process what he was seeing. Surprisingly I’ve only had to fuel the pregnancy suspicions from one person thus far. After that we had a birthday party for a friend; a good friend who had a babysitter and was going to make the most of it by knocking back as many Patron shots as he could. I was in! I could totally hang in a bar with them and not drink! Until they mentioned they had a limo and were going to Dirty in Portland. I sent WMFS on his way and took my sober ass home. OMFG I kinda hate me right now. But that five and a half pounds this week has made me even more determined to ride this out.

Food consumed:
Strawberry, mango, spinach smoothie
Salmon and tuna sashimi
Blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, fresh whipped cream
3 meatballs, 3 pieces of cheese, carrots, grape tomatoes, sugar peas
More berries