Archive for the ‘ Whole 30 ’ Category

Day Thirteen

I don’t really have a lot to say at this point. My will to survive has been crushed. CRUSHED! My girth was down a pound this morning but after losing 5 ½ last week then gaining it all back for no good goddamn reason I’m hardly excited about it. Also cutting out yogurt has added another indignity to the skin issues (which is now one ginormous zit, under a mole which somehow makes it visible from space I swear), lack of sleep, general irritability. Awesome. Oh, and we all know girls don’t poop, but hypothetically if they did, that would be a problem too. Hypothetically of course.

Still I’m determined to drop some heft. My lovely cousin B does The Master Cleanse every January and he’s always much svelter afterwards. 14 Days, I’ve already made it 13, if I start Sunday – my day 15 – I’ll still hit the goal of not drinking for 30 days and hopefully see some goddamn results. I’m into instant gratification, which is why I don’t shop on-line or schedule hair appointments 6 weeks out. The Master Cleanse also achieves the calorie deficit I must take on in order to drop 2 lbs a week based on the handy little calculator The Sack sent me. As additional motivation, I’m taking a before picture. Should the desired results be achieved I’ll post them with an after shot and the starting and ending weight. Maybe, once I’m drinking again, possibly. Wish me luck.

Things that went into what once was a vodka intake hub:
Smoothie (strawberry, mango, banana, spinach, flax
Smoothie (strawberry, pineapple, banana, spinach, flax)
Shrimp sautéed with bacon, jalapeño and cilantro (fucking delicious!)
Greek chicken and veggies at Beaches


Day Twelve

12 days no alcohol.
12 days no sugar or artificial crap.
12 days no soy.
12 days no flour.
12 days almost no dairy.
12 days and I weigh exactly the same as I did on Day 2.

I want to scream and yell and to be honest punch a lot of people in the face right now. FUCK whoever decided this was a good idea; that this would work that this would make me feel better. Because all it’s done for the last 12 days is make me feel like shit. Like shit because I’m not sleeping. Like shit because my skin is a wreck. Like shit because I’m not having fun. And now like shit because there is nothing to show for it. Not one goddamn pound. I’m miserable and fat. Awesome.

Why bother:
Strawberry, mango, spinach, flax, coconut milk smoothie
Salmon and tuna sashimi
Crab salad
Green tea
Black tea
Baklava (and I enjoyed the fuck out of it! Because why fucking not, it’s not like not eating it would’ve made a goddamn fucking cock-sucking bit of difference anyway)
Baked salmon and sautéed spinach
And of course at approximately 192 ounces of water (I know this because my water bottle is 64 ounces and I filled it 3 times today)

Day Eleven

Me: This is just gonna piss me off even more.
Scale: Yeah, you are still large and in charge lady.
Me: Really? That’s how you’re going to talk to me today?
Me: Not losing weight is bullshit. This shit better even out within the next few days. I’m just sayin’.

Not losing weight is bullshit. Detox is bullshit. My skin hates this crap even more than I do. Do these pimples make me look younger? Because that’s the only silver lining I can think of as a 36-year-old with zits OMFG! Since my skin care regimen in general is nonexistent, I’ve decided not only do I need to obsess about my weight, food consumption, and lack of alcohol utilization; why not throw a skin care routine on top of it all! Many moons ago when I was on Accutane (twice) I used this to wash my face, because it was the only thing that didn’t burn, and the Olive Virgin Oil to moisturize  for the same reason. Loved it, hated the price. So I took to Google and found the Oil Cleansing Method. Two days in and so far so good, really, how often can you say that 2 days into anything? But don’t worry I’m not going completely hippie on you, I will never color my hair with henna and my nails will always be an acrylic homage to strippers everywhere.

Speaking of detox bullshit, what is this now Day 11? The thirst still rages on, and there’s the skin thing of course, but other than that I think things are settling into a low simmer of irritability and general annoyance. However, I am still fashioning shivs out of whatever I can just in case. I mean, it’s only been one weekend of detox. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Also tonight was another night of Happy Hour Hot Topics without our regular sacrament. I’m just going to say it; as a whole we suck right now. Hard.

Squash & Pinecones:
Strawberry, mango, spinach, coconut milk smoothie (I am now addicted to coconut milk, not a fan in the smoothie, but straight from the spoon it’s delish.)
Green Olives (Possibly the best fucking green olives ever. Seriously they are buttery! Buttery olives! YUM. Thanks A.T.!)
Fuckton of water (I’m sure I alone am causing some sort of drought situation)
Salad w/cheese, turkey and balsamic vinaigrette
Smoked baby clams and bay shrimp
Roasted sweet potato

Day Ten

 Show of hands; how many thought I’d make it this far? Yeah, me neither. How many thought you would make it this far? Hey wait, we don’t know how you’ve been doing do we? Now that I think about it you are all veeeeeerrry quiet about your progress. I’m beginning to think you’re all sitting there, behind your computer, reading these updates while sipping a glass of Cabernet and snarfing plates of pasta.

So tell me, how is it going? I promise I won’t pee on your enthusiasm, much, I just went so we should be fine.

I’m really really trying not to lose my shit today. But based on the below, I’m not doing well. I’m beyond pissed off and frustrated. I’m more upset than I was over that goddamned squash debacle. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow, but right now I’m about to say fuck it, I’m meant to be a blubbery. This is a fucking mess and I’m pissed.

Me: Today’s the day I decide to keep at it or not.
Scale: Do you have a choice tubby?
Me: God I hate you.
Scale: Huh…I’m not sure how to tell you this.
Me: What?!
Scale: Yougained2.4lbsdonthitme
Me: …

lettuce w/ half carnitas half chicken, grilled veggies, guacamole and salsa
green tea
green peppers
sausage in tomato sauce w/yellow pepper, mushrooms, onion and garlic

Day Nine

I am trying to push through despite some MAJOR disappointment in my scale’s feedback these last 3 days. Absolutely no change. Not a fucking ounce. ßThat makes me hate this plan even more right now. What the fuck is it for if not weight-loss? Don’t give me that nonsense about resetting my blood chemistry blahbity fucking blah. We all know there is one damned reason The Dreamer and I agreed to this insanity and forced encouraged the rest to join us. And that reason has nothing to do with our blood chemistry. I’ve already established that mine is Golden Unicorn Blood anyway, so my blood is the last thing I need to work on. My muffin top is a different story. So I’ll keep eating grass and avocado for as long as it fucking takes.

The cravings have mostly leveled out and for the last 2 nights I’ve slept reasonably wellish. The weirdest thing going on right now is that despite drinking a bathtub full of water daily I am thirsty all the damned time. My water jug is 64 ounces, and I go through 3 of them while at work. At home, I’ll be carrying a glass of water, realize I have to pee; sit down and chug the whole glass while emptying my bladder (welcome to my bathroom y’all)! Will someone puh-leeze explain this to me?

Scale: Nadda
Me: Unacceptable!
Scale: Hey I just report the facts.

Avocado with bay shrimp
L’ eau
Lettuce, chicken, cilantro dressing, cojita cheese
Green tea
Sliced tomatoes with pepperocini and olive oil (delish!)
Chicken w/roasted Anaheim chile sauce

Day Eight

 I fucking hate this. Haaaaaaaaate. I’m all chipper and shit (as chipper as a sleep deprived, homicidal dieter can be) and everyone else is hung over. I WANT TO BE HUNG OVER! What? Did you expect me to be all smug about this sobriety thing? To be writing about how great I feel, and how awesome this is? And oh my god you should totally try this, you’ll feel amazing. Fuck no! I want my real life back, the life where Saturdays are spent lying on the couch watching a Fantasy Factory marathon and washing down Carne Asada Chips w/Angel Tears and Sundays find me begging for the pounding to just stop for fuck’s sake. Not to mention all the sleeping that happens. Oh sleep, I miss you more than vodka right now.

Remember yesterday when I said I like this point in the detox? Yeah will let’s go back to yesterday and punch me in the face, because today we’ve hit the point where every toxin left is making its angry exit through my face. Why can’t my ankles break out? My ankles will be covered for the next three months at least. Why is it always the skin on your face that goes batshit? How many more days? 10 – 100? It doesn’t humping matter; they’ll all be acne filled misery!

Me: Please let that 5.5 lbs have been real.
Scale: Same as yesterday.
Me: I’ll take it! At least it didn’t go backwards!
Scale: You’ve still got a long way to go pudgy.
Me (yelling): Suck it Ruxin!
WMFS (from the living room): Did you say something, babe?

 The meals:
Chuck’s Chicken Green Chile soup (avoid this, it’s like they work hard to make it extra bland somehow)
Apple w/almond butter
Blackened shrimp in butter lettuce
Mushroom soup
40 gallons of H20

Week Two Adjustments

This Whole30 plan is bullshit. If I tell you I’m doing the Whole30, I’m a fucking liar. Not because I’m secretly cramming alternating spoonfuls of fettuccini Alfredo and crème brulee in my face, but because it’s just more obsessive than I am capable or interested in being. I don’t want to be the asshole that goes into a bar, doesn’t order a drink and then places a complicated salad order. What would you think if you heard someone place the following order “I’d like the Caesar salad with grilled chicken. No dressing, no croutons, no cheese please.” THAT IS NOT A CEASER SALAD! That is fucking lettuce with chicken on top. And there’s nothing wrong with that for you. I just don’t want to be that person. If I wouldn’t eat it at home, why would I order it AND pay for it in a bar/restaurant? So time to readjust this plan a little.

What I am doing is cutting out white foods; flour, rice, added sugar, 95% of dairy, and as many unnecessary ingredients and preservatives as I can for 30 days. After 30 days of eating as clean as possible; everything in moderation. Except crème brulee, I think I’m going to o.d. in a bath tub of shit. Somebody get Fantasy Factory on the phone so we can make this happen!

This week I hit that point where your body knows something is up and you’re a little nauseous and a little achy. I am probably one of the only twisted fucks who enjoys this part. It reminds me that I’m getting somewhere and that I’m doing this for a reason. That reason being a new wardrobe. FUCK YEAH!

So there’s that.

And then there’s this.

No alcohol. This isn’t tough because of the actual giving it up, it’s tough because the reactions you get from people when you go out and they become aware of the fact that there is water in front of you. They either try to get me to break or they are uncomfortable with my sobriety. To be fair I’d be uncomfortable too. If you think I’m judgmental with a buzz, I’m 10 times worse without one. Some of my favorite reactions:

From a friend who clearly had beer goggles that night: “You’re a hot chick, why are you so insecure? Let’s just have a shot.” – Um…what?

Same night different friend (looking around the bar): “Wow, that’s like a sex addict going to an orgy and just watching”. – I cannot argue this.

I’ll be honest I know I won’t make it 30 days but now my stubborn streak has kicked so in, 14 days is looking like a piece of cake now. Mmmmmmm cake. Wait, what? What was I saying, I mean before the cake? Oh right, 14 days, I’ve got this.

And clearly the hallucinations have started:
Me: I think the mayor eye fucked the shit out of me tonight. A couple times.
WMFS: The mayor was there? What?
Me (to imaginary mayor): You want some of this? Lemme see your bank account.
Me (to WMFS): How much does a mayor make? I think I’ll start fucking the mayor. I mean could you imagine me at political events! This will be awesome. Epic even!
WMFS: How do you know who the mayor is?
Me: How do you not know who our mayor is?