Day Six

Day Six: Day I’m officially off the rails.

You guys, I am homicidal over squash. Fucking squash of all things! I even realize how irrational I am but there is just nothing to be done about my rage at this moment. Last night I made sausage stuffed acorn squash and I can promise you it was going to be de-fucking-licious. Around 11:00 WMFS Bambis* his way through the house to see if I was ok if he and The Instigator stayed out later:

WMFS: I took a cab home to see if you were ok with us staying out more.
Me: You took a cab?
WMFS: Yeah I took a cab, it only cost $12 to come see if you’re OK.
Me: It would’ve been free to use the phone.

I shit you not that actually happened.

At 1:00 I get the call to pick them up from the Ice House. They’re giddy and drunk and that’s cool, thing ONLY thing I ask is that they be quiet so I can go to sleep. Oh and please don’t burn down the house. WMFS passes out on the couch, The Instigator smokes in the garage for what seems like 2 years, it was probably only a month at best, stumbles in and hits the other couch. I hear the first beer crack. Cool. I hear rummaging in the fridge. I hear Ziploc bags opened, another beer cracked, hear my glass fruit rolling all over the place and then…I hear the tinfoil and the “oh ho” when he discovers what is under said tinfoil.

My. Stuffed. Squash.

The squash I made for my lunch because I’m trying to drop some goddamn insulation. The squash I was actually looking forward to eating. It was all I could do not to jump out of bed and deliver a Super Man kick to his neck. I realized even then how silly it was to rage over squash, none the less I was hot. For awhile there is silence, and then I hear the tinfoil go back on the container and it being returned to the fridge. OK I think, he only ate one half, I can deal with that. I mean he was hungry, and it’s not like he can drive to Muchos or anything. But then, his phone goes off, he grabs his keys, he’s out the door, car is started and he’s gone. This only makes my jaw clench tighter. WHATEVER! It’s 2:30 in the morning and I need to go to sleep!

Fast forward to me getting ready to leave for work and retrieving the squash; I lift the tinfoil to transfer the half that remains to a smaller container for safe transit. That’s when I fucking lost my shit. The motherfucker ate one whole half and then just the sausage stuffing out of the other half and then put it back in the fridge.

Now you tell me you wouldn’t want to deliver a major beat down.

Oh and then there’s this:
Scale: 0.0
Me: I don’t really care for your attitude

Spinach, strawberry, mango, smoothie (this tastes much better than it looks)
Green tea
Grapefruit w/salt
endive, walnut, pears and lemon and olive oil
Aqua (that’s fancy for water. Or Spanish I can’t really think clearly because of the rage)
star fruit (while everyone else a work inhaled cookies at our Cookie Friday!!)
salad, steak, and steamed veggies
Guess what I didn’t eat? Motherfucking stuffed squash!

*to Bambi means to stumble around like a new-born deer; usually brought on with intoxication


Day Five

Day 5 opens with the weigh in. Of course it does.

Me: Ha ha! I read the owner’s manual, I don’t have to take your fat percentage bullshit anymore.
Scale: you’ve lost 3.3 lbs total.
Me: That’s what I thought bitch!
Scale: You know it’s just water weight right?
Me: Duh, regardless the number is getting LOWER and that’s the entire point!

These conversations with my scale each morning really do happen in my head, hand to God.

Recap of Grass & Avocado consumption:
2 hard-boiled eggs (I’m lazy when it comes to eggs and will only prepare them one way for myself)
green tea
fat fist full of olives
grapefruit w/salt
chicken w/olives, cucumber, egg and tomato over crunchy water (see also: lettuce)
3ish ounces of pork
chicken sausage, olives, pine nuts, shallot, yellow pepper (left over that didn’t fit in the squash I made for tomorrows “feast”)
water w/water and ice that melted into more water

I feel like trumpets should sound to celebrate that I’ve made it this far without a) shanking someone b) hallucinating that my cats are delicious delicious ice cream cones rather than the furry pillows with eyes that they really are. What’s truly bizarre to me is that my cravings are things I NEVER ate before, marshmallows, ice cream, graham crackers WTF Detox? Seriously…and even more bizarre and to be honest, disturbing, is that I haven’t craved beer yet. Usually, beer is the first craving I have when I cut out crap and alcohol. I DON’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW ME ANYMORE!!!!

Day Four

Background: One of my HHHT girls convinced us all and a few others to do The Whole30. We all agreed to start January 2nd because let’s be honest, we’d all be hung over on the 1st. I agreed because I am not very smart. Theses posts are the daily emails I’ve sent to the group that is participating in this challenge.

I would cut a bitch for a toasted marshmallow right now. I hate marshmallows. Detox is weird.
Anyway, looks like I’m going to make this weighing in thing a ritual of torture for us all every morning until the end of this mission. You’re welcome. If you are losing weight at a faster rate than I am (couldn’t be much slower) you are dead to me. DEAD. If you’re not weighing yourself like it’s an OCD tick, well then you get a gold fucking star from the Whole30 bastards. I’m sure it’s an organic free-range gold fucking star too.
Scale:  another 1.2 gone
Me: I’m not impressed. Much.
Scale: Your fat percentage is…
Me: fuck off, how do I turn that feature off anyway?
Hard boiled egg
Green tea
Grapefruit w/salt (trust me on the salt, once you try it you’ll never ruin a grapefruit w/sugar again)
toppings picked off a pizza crust* – ham, olives, spinach, cheese, tomato sauce
left over salmon, olives, tomato & avocado over fresh spinach
apple w/hazelnut butter
steak bites and mushrooms
so much herbal tea I lost track
and oh hey more fucking water
*YES there was cheese w/the toppings. I’m sure I sent myself aaaaallll the way back to the beginning of that 2.4 lbs I’ve lost, but look, I work for a pizza company. Part of my JOB – the thing that allows me to buy overpriced organic produce – is eating pizza. So unless you want me, WMFS and two extremely overweight long-haired cats to move in with you, I suggest you cut me some slack. I didn’t eat the crust made of poison (enriched flour) and I refrained from licking the crust to get the tasty sugary sauce as I normally would have if I were at home.  (You being whoever is reading this and judging me).
No gym tonight as I attended what can only be described as the most UNhappy of happy hours in the history of happy hours. I can tell you right now the questions/responses you read in February are going to be L-A-M-E if we really do manage to nix the alcohol for 30 days. I’m not sure losing our 5 readers is worth this, I mean really we can’t be selfish here can we? We neeeeeeed to drink for our people!!!!! (insert loud cheering).

Day Three

Background: One of my HHHT girls convinced us all and a few others to do The Whole30. We all agreed to start January 2nd because let’s be honest, we’d all be hung over on the 1st. I agreed because I am not very smart. Theses posts are the daily emails I’ve sent to the group that is participating in this challenge.

Weighed in again on Day 3 (Tuesday) morning because I like the personal abuse my scale gives me.
Me (holding a cat): Just checking to see if this thing works, maybe it needs a  new battery?
Scale: grroaaaaan
Me (dropping cat): Goddamn cat, you’re going on a diet too!
Scale: 15 lbs less than 3 seconds ago.
Me: I hate you
Scale: Wait I’m not finished 1.2 less than yesterday.
Me: Fuck, now I have to keep doing this shit.
Your body fat percentage is …
Me: La la la I can’t hear you
Hard boiled egg
spinach w/hb egg, left over peppers and onions from last night and a handful of bay shrimp
curry chicken, pumpkin and jalapeno (probably not good that I drank the left over sauce amirite?)
heirloom tomatoes w/olive oil pepper and salt*
Green tea
A lot of fucking water.
baked salmon and spinach sautéed w/’shrooms, garlic and shallot.
Hauled my ass to the gym for the 2nd night in a row. You know, the people who complain about how packed the parking lot is and how far they had to walk amaze me. I kid you not I have heard this conversation. WTF do they think they’re at the gym for anyway? There should be NO parking spots for 1/2 mile in all directions.
*it can be assumed that any salt reference from here forward is sea salt. Because it feels extra douchey to type sea salt instead of just salt. Yes I know it’s better for you but that doesn’t make it any less of a ridiculous purchase when I have all kinds of suddenly inferior salts in my spice cabinet.

Day Two

Background: One of my HHHT girls convinced us all and a few others to do The Whole30. We all agreed to start January 2nd because let’s be honest, we’d all be hung over on the 1st. I agreed because I am not very smart. Theses posts are the daily emails I’ve sent to the group that is participating in this challenge.

In order to keep myself accountable over the next 29 days, I’ll be updating you all on my progress. Should we get 10 days into this with NO FUCKING PROGRESS, I’m waving the white flag while chugging a fifth of Grey Goose. So there!
We’re starting with Day 2 because on Sunday Day One involved a raging hang over since I tried to drink my weight in wine on Saturday night in a misguided attempt to store up some booze in my system in preparation for this madness. Apparently you cannot “store-up” booze in your fat cells to live off of for 30 days. So yeah, I didn’t drink yesterday and that fucking counts! But I did eat a lot of cheese. And gravy. And that’s not so impressive.
Day Two included a weigh-in, and unless you bribe me with a very large sum of money I will not tell you what my asshole of a scale reported. Yes I did read the literature that said we weren’t supposed to weigh ourselves. Fuck the literature, I’m already giving up cheese and wine I refuse to give up the one thing that will keep me motivated to not shovel truffle fries into my food hole. MMmmmmm truffle fries…
OK so here’s what did go into my food hole yesterday in no particular order:
Enough water to drowned a small cat in (out of my PLASTIC water jug. Sue me.)
Hard boiled egg
Green tea
Avocado with bay shrimp, fresh basil and sea salt
Green tea
Chicken breast sautéed in olive oil w/red and green peppers, onion and mushrooms also some random seasonings
Sweet potato fries (WMFS is not a fan)
Apple w/almond butter
5 or 6 walnuts
5 olives
I also went to the gym and abused myself via the treadmill. This limp is not because I swagger like a pimp, it is because I am incredibly uncoördinated.
I hope you all had more success with your first two days